I’m having problems in my relationship.
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
All relationships have their ups and downs and not every challenge, or behaviour that we dislike, indicates a toxic partner or unhealthy relationship. Patience and understanding goes a long way to helping decide what works for us, what our boundaries and limitations are, and where or when to draw the line with behaviours we won’t accept.
However, if our boundaries are being consistently pushed then that might be a sign of a fundamentally toxic or unhealthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship can be because of the behaviours of one or both partners. It is bad for our mental, emotional and physical health, and can even affect future relationships.
Signs of being in an unhealthy relationship might include:
• Regularly feeling confused, angry, trapped, scared, anxious or unwell because of the relationship.
• Loss of confidence, feeling depressed and worthless as a result of the behaviours within the relationship.
• Feeling pressurised by a partner to change how we look, dress and act.
• Being regularly monitored and controlled by a partner (physical, emotional and financial monitoring).
• Having to constantly adjust to a partner’s moods for fear of their physical, verbal or emotional reaction.
This is often the case when a partner is abusive one day and loving the next.
• Having relationships with other people discouraged or forbidden.
If we think we might be involved in an unhealthy relationship, it’s important to take steps to address it. Communication is the first step when seeking ways to make it healthier. If this doesn’t work, consider whether or not it’s time to let go of this relationship. If this is not an option, or not an immediate option, it’s important to find ways to care for ourselves. Talk to a friend or seek professional support. If you have concerns about your relationship, or communicating with your partner isn’t as effective as you would like, it’s always good to sound things out with a trusted friend or professional. See page 50 for useful contacts.
INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE (IPV)
Intimate partner violence describes physical or sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm by a current or former partner, spouse, or any other person who has a close relationship with the victim. It does not require the relationship to be, or have been, one of sexual intimacy, although this may be the case. It can be a one-time episode of violence or can be ongoing abuse involving coercive control; emotional abuse; the destruction of property; isolation from friends, family and other sources of support; and control over access to money, personal items, food, transportation and the telephone of the victim.
Domestic violence/intimate partner violence between women or people in the LBQ community comes with unique challenges such as shared community and social spaces, limited options for meeting new people or making other queer friends, and the possibility of continuously seeing or sharing space with an abuser. Research shows that bisexual and trans women are at higher risk of IPV*. If you are experiencing IPV, want to leave an abusive situation, or are a survivor of this type of violence, there are supports available to help you to make the choices that are right for you.
Things you could consider doing are:
• Talk to your GP.
• Talk to someone you trust and make a safety plan.
• Seek Court Orders that could help protect you.
• In an emergency call 112 or 999.
• Women who are experiencing domestic violence can call the Women’s Aid 24hr National Freephone Helpline (1800 341 900).
• If you need to talk to someone in confidence about sexual assault, call the National 24-Hour Helpline at 1800 77 88 88.
Given the high instance of women who report experiencing sexual harassment, assault or rape, we understand that sexual experiences, preferences and freedoms may be impacted by trauma for many. Even consensual sexual intimacy or physicality can trigger feelings connected to a past trauma, so it’s important to be aware of this possibility and to leave room for healing and understanding, both as individuals, and as partners.
*Rollè L, Giardina G, Caldarera AM, Gerino E and Brustia P (2018) When Intimate Partner Violence Meets Same Sex Couples: A Review of Same Sex Intimate Partner Violence. Front. Psychol. 9:1506. doi: 10.3389/ fpsyg.2018.01506
Further Resources
