How can I feel more confident and have better sex?
OVERVIEW
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
Every person has an emotional range. It is normal to feel low and negative at times. It is important to recognise your own emotional reactions. When times are hard, a common and natural reaction is to become increasingly judgmental and critical of yourself and others. It is good to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, and learn to express them. Your relationship with yourself is the most consistent relationship in your life, and it impacts all of your other relationships. A healthy relationship with yourself will help you to recognise if you are forming unhealthy habits in your relationships with others. It is important to recognise whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy, as this will help you to learn and move on from relationships that are negatively affecting you.
“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognising ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.” - Dr. Christina Hibbert, 2013.
If you ever feel depressed or even suicidal and think the world would be better without you, THIS IS NOT TRUE. You deserve to live your life as your true self, and there are people who can help you to remember that. Try to talk to someone you know and trust, and/or contact the Samaritans at 116 123 which is a free call number. In order to maintain healthy relationships (including with friends, people at work etc.), we need to be aware of, and understand, our emotions. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) is one tool that can be useful for any person, in any type of relationship. The following acronyms containing letters for various skills may be useful for you:
DEAR MAN - for asserting yourself (expressing yourself confidently)
Describe the current situation.
Express your feelings and opinions about the situation; Use “I” statements e.g. I feel..
Assert yourself by asking for what you want, or saying “No.” clearly.
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time: explain consequences.
Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives: don’t be distracted.
Appear confident and effective: good eye contact, no stammering.
Negotiate - be willing to give to get.
GIVE - for building intimacy and understanding
Gentle - Be polite in your approach; no attacks, threats or judging.
Interested - Listen; be interested in the other person.
Validate - Validate the other person’s feelings about the situation.
Easy manner - Use an easy-going approach; smile.
FAST - for self-reflecting
Fair - Be fair to yourself and to the other person.
(No) Apologies - No apologies if you are not in the wrong e.g. for making a request, having an opinion, disagreeing, etc.
Stick - Stick to your own values. Be clear on what you believe is the moral way to act.
Truthful - Don’t lie, exaggerate or make excuses.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual orientation refers to who we feel attracted to. Heterosexual people (straight) are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender; homosexual people (gay or lesbian) are attracted to people of the same sex or gender; bisexual people are attracted to people of both sexes or genders. Pansexual people are attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender. It may be difficult to be open about your sexual feelings. “Coming out” is a process of accepting yourself and deciding when to share your orientation with others. This process can be daunting, exciting and confusing and you may feel isolated from others at times. What is important is that you know you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through what you are going through. If you need advice, or if you just want to talk to someone about how you are feeling, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre or one of the other organisations listed at the end of this booklet.
VIRGINITY
Virginity is an idea (or lots of different ideas). It is not a medical concept. What you consider to be virginity is usually influenced by your cultural background and religious upbringing, so virginity means different things to different people. There is a lot of false information regarding what virginity is, and who is or is not a virgin. For example, some think that people are virgins unless they have had sex involving a penis inserted into a vagina, but this way of thinking excludes lots of different sexual activities. It is also a heteronormative view of sex i.e., this way of thinking often excludes or ignores people who are not heterosexual. The concept of virginity has also been used to judge women and people assigned female at birth, and label them as ‘pure’, ‘prudish’, ‘respectable’, ‘unworthy of respect’ etc. This is a very harmful, incorrect and sexist viewpoint. Being sexually active or not sexually active is not an indicator of whether someone is worthy of respect. The concept of ‘virginity’ is outdated and irrelevant in many ways. What matters is that you feel comfortable and informed about your sexuality and the decisions you make regarding sexual activity (i.e. doing or not doing whatever is right for you). Some girls, women and people assigned female at birth become concerned about their hymen breaking, and its connection to virginity. However, the hymen may be broken as a result of lots of day-to-day activities. It has nothing to do with ‘proving’ your virginity.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
It might seem weird but this is an important question. Many people may just have sex with someone because they don’t want to say no or be left out. You do not need to prove anything to anyone regarding your sexuality, or sex life. Prioritise becoming comfortable with your own body and sexuality first. If you feel ready, comfortable, safe and excited to share a sexual experience with others, you will be much more likely to enjoy the experience. There is no rush!
SEX IS MUCH MORE THAN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
While there is no set pattern to good sexual relationships, you can have fun, be safe and learn useful skills by not rushing into physical sexual activity. Flirting, chatting up, hanging out, dating, breaking up, touching, holding hands, kissing, talking, fondling outside clothes, fondling under clothes, stimulating of genitals etc. are all part of developing sexual relationships. It is also important to remember that sexual activity is an experience, not a performance! It can be a lovely, fun and exciting experience to share with someone, and you do not ever need to ‘act’ as though you are enjoying it if you would prefer to stop or just go slow.
SEXUAL ACTIVITIES
Puberty brings changes in feelings as well as bodily changes. Sexual desire becomes a more important part of healthy social and personal relationships. It helps you to understand your own thoughts and feelings so you know what is right for you. Sex can be one of life’s greatest pleasures. But it can also be very disappointing, frustrating or embarrassing. It can make you feel very vulnerable. It helps if we understand our sexuality and can communicate with our partners. Intimacy takes time and familiarity.
BY YOURSELF
Masturbation refers to stimulating your own genitals, usually with your hands or a sex toy. It is perfectly normal and safe. Knowing how your own body gets turned on can really help, if and when you do have sex with someone. If you know what you like then you can show the other person what works for you. Orgasm is the climax or peak of sexual excitement. It usually involves pleasurable feelings and rhythmic contractions of the muscles. Ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid from the genitals. Usually, people assigned male at birth orgasm and ejaculate at the same time. For people assigned female at birth, ejaculation of fluid is not always associated with orgasm. This means that many girls, women and people assigned female at birth may require stimulation of the clitoris with fingers or sex toys to reach orgasm. This is why it’s helpful to get to know your own body and what kind of stimulation you enjoy, before sharing sexual experiences with others.
WITH OTHERS
Most sexual experiences will start with a kiss or at least include kissing at some point. Everyone has their own individual style of kissing, so when you’re still getting used to your own kissing style, it can help to start slow and gently! Sex is not just about having sexual intercourse. It can include lots of things like kissing, touching, fondling, mutual masturbation (stimulating another person’s genitals), or self-masturbation. Safer sex involves giving and receiving ongoing consent, and giving and receiving sexual pleasure without passing semen, vaginal fluids or blood into your or your partner’s body. Safer sex ensures that everyone involved is fully respected and protected. It prevents unexpected pregnancies and transmission of STIs (see section on STIs below).
ORAL SEX
Oral sex is using the mouth or tongue to arouse the genitals of a sexual partner. Oral sex can be given and received by people of all genders. Oral sex is a personal preference - some people love it and others don’t like it at all. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. Do not give oral sex if you have cold sores, as you could spread herpes (see section on STIs). Flavoured condoms can be used for oral sex.
VAGINAL SEX
Vaginal sex involves the penetration of a person’s vagina, with another person’s fingers, penis, or a sex toy.
ANAL SEX
Anal sex involves the penetration of a person’s anus, usually with another person’s penis, sex toy or fingers. If you are having anal sex it is very important to use a good quality condom and lubricant. It is important that you are comfortable with what you do. You should never feel pressurised into doing things you are not happy about.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CHECKLIST
The age of consent for sexual intercourse is 17. Before sharing any sexual experience with another person, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex, or any of the other activities listed in this booklet, it might be helpful to see if the statements below are true for you:
My potential sexual partner and I have had conversations about using condoms and contraception.
We have discussed the implications of becoming pregnant (if that is a risk for my sexual partner and I).
I want to take part in a sexual activity for myself, not just because someone else wants me to or thinks I should.
We have discussed what we would do if the condom bursts or rips.
We can have fun together without actually having sex.
I am not being forced or pressured to have sex.
In our relationship (or friendship), I feel like it would be completely accepted if I say no to any particular physical or sexual interaction. I feel like there is no pressure at all to do anything that I don’t feel comfortable and excited about.
I feel comfortable and confident saying no or yes to any physical interactions.
You probably won’t be ready for sex until you can tick all these boxes but remember even once you are ready – it still doesn’t mean you have to! If you have already had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex again any time soon! You can take some time out if you prefer.
PREGNANCY
Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. If you are worried about getting pregnant, talk to someone you trust or contact an organisation listed at the back of this booklet for help. It is especially important to seek out support if you do not have support from your family or friends. You will also find useful information in this booklet in the section about your menstrual cycle. You can get pregnant at any stage during your menstrual cycle.
HOW DOES PREGNANCY START?
Conception begins when the male sperm and female egg meet and unite in the female fallopian tubes. Conception is the start of pregnancy. A full-term pregnancy lasts for approximately nine months before the birth of a baby. Ovulation is when the egg is released from the ovary. This is the time you are most likely to get pregnant. It usually happens around 11 to 16 days into your menstrual cycle. However every person is different, so do not take this for granted. Get to know your own cycle. The sperm is ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse. If the egg is fertilised (when the male sperm meets the female ovum), it travels up the fallopian tube to the uterus where it embeds in the lining. Hundreds of millions of sperm are ejaculated but it just takes a single sperm to fertilise the female egg. There are two ovaries, one at the end of each fallopian tube. They produce and store the eggs (ova). Each egg has the potential to be fertilised by a sperm.
SEXUAL PLEASURE
Sex can be an important part of building and maintaining a relationship and getting to know your partner(s). Sex that is pleasurable can be really good for our physical and emotional well-being. There are lots of ways to have and enjoy sex. Learning what we find pleasurable is a first step; we can then communicate what we want and like to sexual partners. Those of us in the LBQ community can enjoy and engage in an array of sexual experiences, and there are as many different ways to explore our sexual pleasure as there are different bodies and abilities. Some will experience penetration as pleasurable and others may not enjoy it at all. Some may not like to be touched but like to touch, and others might not find sex appealing at all for a variety of reasons, all of which is perfectly ok. Orgasms (also known ‘climaxing’) can be an intense feeling of sexual pleasure, but the ease, frequency and experience of achieving orgasm varies from person to person. For some, reaching orgasm can be simple and multiple orgasms are possible, but for others it might take time or depend on how comfortable they feel physically and emotionally. Orgasms, while they can be an excellent addition to any sexual encounter, are not required for good sex.
Further Resources
