Am I really ready to have sex?
OVERVIEW
HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
You might not have any examples in your life of healthy romantic relationships that you can relate to or look up to - particularly if you identify as LGBTI+. Not having any examples or ‘role models’ of a healthy relationship in real life can make it harder to recognise the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships. You can always ask for support or advice at the Sexual Health Centre. If you do experience unhealthy relationships and make mistakes, it can be upsetting and confusing. Thankfully the pain that can come from unhealthy relationships does not have to last forever because you can learn from it, and use it to figure out what worked and what didn’t work and how you might change your boundaries, behaviour or standards. No regrets - just learning moments!
THERE IS NO STANDARD DATING TIMELINE
If you don’t feel any romantic interest in anyone, and/or if you don’t receive any romantic interest from others, it can feel like it will never happen. This can be especially disappointing if your friends are starting to spend time with other people romantically. Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re not doing the same things as your friends. This is no indication at all of what the rest of your life will look like and the kind of connections you will have with people in the future. Also, don’t feel pressure to care about relationships and dating if it’s not a priority for you! What’s important right now is that you can figure out what would/does make you feel good, and don’t lower your standards just because you may not have it yet.
* If you do not have any person in your life who you can trust and ask for advice, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre about any concerns you have. If we do not provide the support or service that you need, we can advise you on another organisation that can support you.
KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
Some people who rush into sexual activity or don’t make their own choices often feel hurt and confused afterwards. Having unplanned sex also means that you may risk pregnancy and/or Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), even if it’s your first time participating in any sexual activity. Some people get caught up in behaviour that they do not really enjoy or want but continue doing it because it’s familiar i.e. they have never tried to behave a different way, or don’t believe that they can behave differently. Masturbation can be a useful way to explore what excites your body – you can read more about masturbation under the ‘Sexual Activities’ section. If you start your sexual life in a way that you are not comfortable or happy about afterwards, you can change your behaviour. You can say no at any stage in a relationship or interaction, if that is what you want. You are more likely to enjoy your sexual experiences if you wait until you feel ready and you want it for yourself, not to please other people. If you decide not to have sex, that is absolutely okay and you should not let others pressure you. People sometimes say that “everyone is doing it”, but that is not true.
RECENT HISTORY OF CONSENT AND IRISH LAW
Ireland has a very negative history regarding consent and the right to control what happens to your own body. This is interlinked with the history of shame in Irish society about sexuality and sexual health, and the historical, institutional abuse of the sexual health rights of women and sexual minorities.
• Until 1990, Irish law said that a man could not be found guilty of rape if the person being abused was his wife. This meant that women in Ireland were not legally protected from assault, and men were protected by law if they assaulted their wives.
• Until 2017, Irish law did not have any clear statement to define what counted as consent to a sexual activity.
• Many people who suffer rape and other sexual assaults are reluctant to report the crime because they do not trust the legal system, and because of the judgement in Irish society towards people who report sexual assault.
SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS
The age of consent for sexual intercourse in Ireland is 17. After puberty you may experience new sexual thoughts and feelings. You may begin to feel sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, same sex or both. You may become curious about sex and start experimenting when you feel you are ready and prepared. Being sexually healthy requires having a positive, informed and respectful approach to your own (and other people’s) sexuality and needs.
SEXUALITY
Sexuality is a fundamental part of being human. It means much more than sex and sexual intercourse. It is what drives us to develop relationships where we can be sensual, loving and intimate. It influences our thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Our feelings about sexuality are an important influence on our sexual health. The Sexuality Wheel (created by Alberta Health Services) below shows how much sexuality is intertwined with other parts of ourselves and our lives. Each part of the wheel represents a part of who we are, and shows how these parts are all connected. The boxes on the left side of the wheel show who we are by nature, while the ones on the right show who we are taught or who we learn to be. When all parts of the wheel are healthy, our sexuality is healthy.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Sexual orientation refers to who we feel attracted to. Heterosexual people (straight) are attracted to people of the opposite sex or gender; homosexual people (gay or lesbian) are attracted to people of the same sex or gender; bisexual people are attracted to people of both sexes or genders. Pansexual people are attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender. It may be difficult to be open about your sexual feelings. “Coming out” is a process of accepting yourself and deciding when to share your orientation with others. This process can be daunting, exciting and confusing and you may feel isolated from others at times. What is important is that you know you are not alone. There are many people who have gone through what you are going through. If you need advice, or if you just want to talk to someone about how you are feeling, you can contact the Sexual Health Centre or one of the other organisations listed at the end of this booklet.
VIRGINITY
Virginity is an idea (or lots of different ideas). It is not a medical concept. What you consider to be virginity is usually influenced by your cultural background and religious upbringing, so virginity means different things to different people. There is a lot of false information regarding what virginity is, and who is or is not a virgin. For example, some think that people are virgins unless they have had sex involving a penis inserted into a vagina, but this way of thinking excludes lots of different sexual activities. It is also a heteronormative view of sex i.e., this way of thinking often excludes or ignores people who are not heterosexual. The concept of virginity has also been used to judge women and people assigned female at birth, and label them as ‘pure’, ‘prudish’, ‘respectable’, ‘unworthy of respect’ etc. This is a very harmful, incorrect and sexist viewpoint. Being sexually active or not sexually active is not an indicator of whether someone is worthy of respect. The concept of ‘virginity’ is outdated and irrelevant in many ways. What matters is that you feel comfortable and informed about your sexuality and the decisions you make regarding sexual activity (i.e. doing or not doing whatever is right for you). Some girls, women and people assigned female at birth become concerned about their hymen breaking, and its connection to virginity. However, the hymen may be broken as a result of lots of day-to-day activities. It has nothing to do with ‘proving’ your virginity.
HOW DO YOU WANT TO START YOUR SEXUAL LIFE?
It might seem weird but this is an important question. Many people may just have sex with someone because they don’t want to say no or be left out. You do not need to prove anything to anyone regarding your sexuality, or sex life. Prioritise becoming comfortable with your own body and sexuality first. If you feel ready, comfortable, safe and excited to share a sexual experience with others, you will be much more likely to enjoy the experience. There is no rush!
SEX IS MUCH MORE THAN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
While there is no set pattern to good sexual relationships, you can have fun, be safe and learn useful skills by not rushing into physical sexual activity. Flirting, chatting up, hanging out, dating, breaking up, touching, holding hands, kissing, talking, fondling outside clothes, fondling under clothes, stimulating of genitals etc. are all part of developing sexual relationships. It is also important to remember that sexual activity is an experience, not a performance! It can be a lovely, fun and exciting experience to share with someone, and you do not ever need to ‘act’ as though you are enjoying it if you would prefer to stop or just go slow.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY CHECKLIST
The age of consent for sexual intercourse is 17. Before sharing any sexual experience with another person, such as mutual masturbation, oral sex, or any of the other activities listed in this booklet, it might be helpful to see if
the statements below are true for you:
My potential sexual partner and I have had conversations about using condoms and contraception.
We have discussed the implications of becoming pregnant (if that is a risk for my sexual partner and I).
I want to take part in a sexual activity for myself, not just because someone else wants me to or thinks I should.
We have discussed what we would do if the condom bursts or rips.
We can have fun together without actually having sex.
I am not being forced or pressured to have sex.
In our relationship (or friendship), I feel like it would be completely accepted if I say no to any particular physical or sexual interaction. I feel like there is no pressure at all to do anything that I don’t feel comfortable and excited about.
I feel comfortable and confident saying no or yes to any physical interactions.
You probably won’t be ready for sex until you can tick all these boxes but remember even once you are ready – it still doesn’t mean you have to! If you have already had sex, it doesn’t mean you have to have sex again any time soon! You can take some time out if you prefer.
PREGNANCY
Sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy. If you are worried about getting pregnant, talk to someone you trust or contact an organisation listed at the back of this booklet for help. It is especially important to seek out support if you do not have support from your family or friends. You will also find useful information in this booklet in the section about your menstrual cycle. You can get pregnant at any stage during your menstrual cycle.
HOW DOES PREGNANCY START?
Conception begins when the male sperm and female egg meet and unite in the female fallopian tubes. Conception is the start of pregnancy. A full-term pregnancy lasts for approximately nine months before the birth of a baby. Ovulation is when the egg is released from the ovary. This is the time you are most likely to get pregnant. It usually happens around 11 to 16 days into your menstrual cycle.However every person is different, so do not take this for granted. Get to know your own cycle. The sperm is ejaculated into the vagina during sexual intercourse. If the egg is fertilised (when the male sperm meets the female ovum), it travels up the fallopian tube to the uterus where it embeds in the lining. Hundreds of millions of sperm are ejaculated but it just takes a single sperm to fertilise the female egg. There are two ovaries, one at the end of each fallopian tube. They produce and store the eggs (ova). Each egg has the potential to be fertilised by a sperm.
Further Resources
