Why Can’t I Orgasm or Keep an Erection?

If you’ve ever wondered why you’re having difficulties reaching orgasm or keeping an erection, know that you’re not alone. These are common concerns that many young people and adults experience at different times in their lives. Let’s talk about what could be happening and how to take care of yourself along the way.

Why Can’t I Orgasm?

First off, let’s clear up something important: everyone’s body is different, and orgasms can happen in different ways for different people. If you are not sure what is an orgasm you can visit the below pages for more information:

Male Orgasm: Male Orgasm – GOSHH Ireland
Female Orgasm: Female Orgasm – GOSHH Ireland

Now, just because you’re not reaching orgasm every time doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Here are some things that might be affecting your ability to orgasm:

Pressure and Expectations: Sometimes, we feel like we have to orgasm to make sex or masturbation “successful.” But thinking too much about it can actually make it harder to relax and enjoy the moment. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or your partner to orgasm every time. Although orgasm can be a highly pleasurable experience, there are other aspects to enjoy as sex is much more than orgasms. If you are with your partner, you can even set a day where orgasm is not allowed and see what happens!

Getting to Know Your Body: If you’re still learning what feels good to you, that’s totally okay! Understanding what kinds of touch, rhythm, and sensations feel right takes time. Masturbation can be a great way to explore this by yourself. For people with vulvas, it’s also common not to orgasm from penetration alone—many people need stimulation to their clitoris to reach orgasm. Once you are more clear about what feels good to you, the next important step is being able to communicate this to the other person.

Mental Health and Stress: Things like stress, anxiety, or feeling low can affect your ability to reach orgasm. If you’re distracted or feeling worried about school, college, relationships, or life in general, it can be hard to relax and enjoy sexual experiences. Sex is also about our emotional and psychological health.

Why Can’t I Keep an Erection?

For people with penises, struggling to keep an erection can be frustrating and sometimes embarrassing, but it’s more common than you might think. Here are some reasons why this might be happening:

Performance Pressure: Like orgasms, feeling like you have to perform in a certain way can make things difficult. If you’re worried about making sure everything “goes right,” this can actually lead to losing your erection, and this is why many young people can experience this. It’s important to remember that sex doesn’t have to follow a script, and sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned.

Physical Causes: Erections depend on a mix of things—blood flow, nerves, hormones, and more. If your body is tired, if you’ve been drinking alcohol or other drugs, taking some specific medications, or if you're stressed out, this can make it harder to maintain an erection.

Expectations and Porn: The way erections are shown in porn can give a really unrealistic idea of how bodies work in real life. Erections aren’t always instant or long-lasting, and that’s perfectly normal. Your body doesn’t need to match what you see on a screen to be healthy or normal.

What Can I Do?

Whether you’re dealing with orgasms or erections difficulties, the most important thing is to listen to your body and give yourself time. Here are a few tips to help:

Relax and Take the Pressure Off: It’s easier to enjoy yourself when you’re not focused on performance. Try focusing on pleasure and connection, rather than just the end goal of orgasm or erection. Sometimes, changing up what you’re doing can help reset the situation.

Talk About It: If you’re with a partner, having an open and honest conversation can make a big difference. Let them know how you’re feeling and what you’re comfortable with. Communication can reduce pressure and help you both feel more relaxed. Most importantly, do not judge and be kind with yourself and your partner.

Explore what works: Don’t be afraid to take some time for yourself to figure out what feels good to your body. Masturbation is a great way to explore your own pleasure without any pressure from someone else. This can help you better understand what works for you during sex with a partner too.

Check in with your health: If you’re consistently struggling to orgasm or maintain an erection and it’s worrying you, it might be worth checking in with a healthcare provider. Sometimes, things like medication, hormonal changes, or other health issues can play a role.

Sex is more than erection, penetration and orgasm: This is linked to the first point around performance pressure. It is also good to pay attention to other sexual activities that do not involve an erection and where the goal is not necessarily an orgasm. Foreplay, erotic massages, kissing, mindful touching, caressing, and the list goes on, are activities that can provide pleasure and be a great benefit to increase intimacy and remove some performance pressure.

It’s All Part of the Journey

Remember, your body is unique and it’s okay to take time to understand it. Everyone has different experiences with sex and pleasure, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Whether you're trying to orgasm or maintain an erection, what matters most is that you're patient and kind to yourself along the way.

And if you ever need advice or support, there are resources available. The Sexual Health Centre offers free, confidential services where you can ask questions and talk through any concerns you have about your sexual health and wellbeing.